The other day I wrote about how I love to run but I’ve never found it prevented/cured/fixed/handled/soothed my depression. I ran Monday morning and due to an escalating thought in my head I was depressed by the evening. I ran Tuesday morning too. 1c. Windy. Rainy. Just me on the prom. I enjoy being that guy people see and think I must be mad. I’m not. I’m trying to be a better person. But I still wasn’t cured after the run.

So I asked online. Some people suggested alternate forms of exercise. I already swim and I love to be the guy who after a mile is just warming up. So I do another mile. One day I’ll do a 5km in the pool. One day. But again it doesn’t cure/fix/resolve/sooth/help with my depression. Maybe it does for a bit while I’m doing the workout but that’s not sustainable. I can’t do a workout every few hours. So I don’t think alternate workouts are the key. If I’m already doing activity that elevates my heart rate, gets me outside and allows me to take in a beautiful morning sunrise but doesn’t cure depression then I’m not sure how anything else would.

Today I joined a running club. They’re callled the “New Brighton Beer Runners”. A small but local group. I went for a run with them and a beer after in my local. How do I feel? I feel fine. Cured? No. Just fine. I did something new so there’s that. I met new people. I talked to new people. I laughed with new people. I saw locals in the bar too. I felt part of not just one thing but many things. A running group. A local bar community. Maybe that’s all it is. I need to be part of a community.

You’d think that would be easy in this day and age. The internet is everywhere. At one point I could get Slack on my wrist with my Apple Watch. It’s so accessible but I’m finding that trying to be part of a community is harder now. The forums I used to be on aren’t quite the same. People move on. I moved on. Facebook Group’s aren’t a substitute for that. There’s no Twitter groups. Slack and Discord are not accessible in the way that IRC was.

/list (to see all the channels)

I’m then talking with like minded people about Star Trek and there’s no social issues to get in the way. It used to be so easy. I used to be part of a Quake 3 clan and regularly played CTF and TDM league games. I could do all this from the comfort of my living room. I do miss it. Now days its much harder to be on the global community of social media. My sense of humour doesn’t quite work online. Could I be any more sarcastic? Even that sentence doesn’t have the same impact. I hope you got the Chandler from Friends vibe to it but if not you don’t get the stress on the “be”. You lose a lot with just text. Who I am is lost with just text. At least on social media where its mostly normal people not a small group of Star Trek geeks.

Maybe what I’m finding now is that the internet is just a service. A tool for Apple news, TV / music streaming and syncing my calendar with my wife. Maybe the connections I want can’t be found online. Maybe what I need is to try and be afk more. That’s Away From Keyboard. Maybe I need to be involved in community groups that are based in the real world around real things. It’s very hard for me but maybe this is what I need because I understand how complex it is to just talk to someone in the real world and the true value of that. I really valued today. The running group. The people in the pub. Is… is this what home is? Finding a place where everybody knows your name? Norm! No, autistic. Waka waka.