I drafted this post up a few weeks ago. Of course I couldn’t decide whether to post it or not so I left it as a draft. Having re-read it I can’t see what the big issue was which is always the way it goes with anxiety. 

Normal people, I assume, simply go “Hmmm that one.” They make a decision. They move onto the next thing. 

For me, with anxiety issues, I simply can’t do that. I will spend weeks stressing over making the “right” decision. Eventually I will reach a point where my brain simply cannot process any further information and at that point I am totally unable to make a decision. My anxiety gets about 100x worse at this point. 

“I can’t chose. I can’t chose. I can’t chose!” I get stressed and then start to panic because I have seemingly lost the ability to process data and make a logical decision based on that data. 

I had this the other weekend deciding between steak or a burger. I couldn’t have a burger 2 days on the go so I should have got steak right? Wrong. I can’t have steak because its too cheap which implies it might not be any good. So burger? But then I had one yesterday so I … I get stuck. I cannot make a decision. I simply can’t. It’s like that part of me is broke. I can’t order food. I can’t enjoy an afternoon out. I get depressed and order the burger. It’s good. 

I am not far from that point in deciding which film to buy for my trip to Europe in 12 days. Can’t I just buy something and see how it goes? No I can’t. If its not right its not right. I *must* buy the right film. If I don’t then the photos I take will be bad and the entire trip will be ruined and a massive waste of time.

I am of course catastrophising. Something people with anxiety do a lot and I am very good at it. Find the absolute worst thing that can happen from making a decision and worry about that coming true. 

This happens far too often. I’ve been told I’m fussy or picky. I used to think I had impossibly high standards. Maybe I do. But I think its simply all tied to anxiety. This is what it does. There is always the problem of “What if?” I can’t take a chance or risk. There is, for some absurd reason, a massive fear of making the wrong choice. That fear is so crippling and debilitating. I don’t think people really understand how bad it can be. 

I am fully expecting the next week to be filled with moments like this. It’s going to be very tough. I doubt many will understand. I doubt many will see a person with a massive anxiety issue. I expect they will see someone being arsey and difficult. That’s depressing. 

This post is brought to you by anxiety.